Emotional Unavailability (part 2), Helping an Emotionally Unavailable Partner…
Understanding an emotionally unavailable partner and supporting a partner in becoming more emotionally available involves a mix of patience, communication, empathy, and boundary-setting:
Helping Your Partner Become More Emotionally Available
Creating a Safer Space for Sharing: Communicate that you’re there to listen without judgment. You can say, ‘I'm here for you, I want to understand how you feel and I’m ready to listen when you want to share’.
Encourage Small Steps: Recognise and appreciate even small moments of emotional sharing or vulnerability. You can say: ‘I appreciate you sharing that with me… I’m feeling closer to you, it means a lot.’
Express Your Needs Clearly and calmly: Instead of expecting your partner to guess how you're feeling, be clear about what you need from them emotionally. You can say: ‘It would mean a lot to me if we could spend some time talking about ‘____’ together.’
Have Regular Check-In Sessions: Encourage open communication by scheduling regular 'check-in' conversations. They don’t need to be complicated or lengthy, just a ‘how do you think we are doing’ or ‘I’m enjoying this about us/you…’ encourages the other to open up and express something. By asking this question you show you are interested in what’s going on for the other and letting them know you want to hear… this creates safety.
Lead by Example: Share your own feelings and vulnerabilities openly. This can encourage them to do the same. You can say: I felt really overwhelmed by work today and I realised I need to share and maybe ask for help when I'm struggling.’
Encourage Professional Help If Needed: If their emotional unavailability stems from deeper issues, suggest seeking help together. You can say: What do think about finding someone to talk to about this. It could help us understand each other better and grow closer.’
Set Boundaries: It’s important to know your limits and express them kindly. You can say: I understand you might need space sometimes, but regular communication is important to me for us to have a healthy relationship.’
Plan Activities Together: Doing activities together that encourage cooperation and communication, collaborating, can help build emotional intimacy. You can say: ‘Let's try a cooking class together. It could be a fun way for us to connect.’
Help In Understanding Your Emotionally Unavailable Partner
Educate Yourself: Listen to videos, podcasts, read books or articles, or even consider therapy to learn about emotional unavailability and its causes. This can provide insight into your partner's behaviour… when we know it’s not about us then it’s easier.
Listen Actively: When your partner does open up, show empathy and listen without interrupting or offering unasked for advice. You can say: ‘It’s important to me that you feel heard, I'm listening… Take all the time you need.’
Ask Open-ended Questions: Encourage your partner to express themselves by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer. You can say: ‘How did that make you feel?’ or ‘What was that like for you?’
Recognise Their Efforts: Acknowledge any progress or effort they make towards emotional availability. You can say: ‘It feels like you've been sharing more with me lately… thank you, I really appreciate it.’
Maintain Your Emotional Health: Engage in self-care and maintain your own emotional health. This ensures you're coming from a place of strength, are therefore less likely to be triggered yourself, and can effectively support and be available for your partner.
Practice Patience: Change takes time. Acknowledge that progress may be slow and nonlinear. You can say: ‘I know this isn't easy, that it may take time… I'm here for you, I want this/us.’
Reflect on Their Perspective: Try to understand their fears or concerns about opening up. This empathy can guide how you support them. You can say: ‘I've been thinking about what you said before, and I can see why you might feel that way.’
Some of the suggested things to say may sound odd or alien language as, perhaps, you are not used to speaking in this way. While they obviously may benefit from adapting to your personality bear in mind that If how you are currently communicating isn’t working then change is needed. These suggested ways of speaking are designed to meet the other on a more emotionally connected level… If we want our partner to be more emotionally available then we need to speak/connect on that emotional level... so it becomes more safe for them to do so, knowing their emotions will be cared for. By using these strategies, you're not only helping your partner become more emotionally available but also deepening your understanding of them. This dual approach can strengthen your relationship and help develop a more open, supportive partnership.
As always, please remember that these are just a few words about a subject that could easily be a book. Would you like some help in exploring how to understand and help the ones you love and some easy to use strategies that can quickly improve a relationship?
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