If you truly want to change your life, you must first be willing to change your mind…
I want to start by acknowledging just how hard it can be to hear a different perspective, especially when your past experiences have taught you to prioritise self-protection. The belief systems unprocessed trauma teaches us about ourselves, others and the wider world can leave us feeling vulnerable, hypervigilant, and deeply tied to our own viewpoints because those viewpoints often then feel like lifelines, anchors in a world that has, at times (or all of the time), felt chaotic or unsafe. If you're feeling defensive or challenged when someone offers a different perspective, that's not a sign of stubbornness; it's your brain doing its best to protect you from further harm. But here's the thing: holding tightly to one perspective can limit change, growth and keep us stuck, rather than safe.
When I say, ‘In order to be right, you must be willing to change your mind,’ it’s not about saying you’re wrong or that your experiences don’t matter. Your story is valid, and your feelings about it are real. But part of growing—and healing—is recognising that other people’s beliefs and opinions can also exist alongside yours. It’s not about replacing your truth with theirs or theirs with yours; it’s about expanding your understanding so you can see the whole picture, the realities that others see and therefore have a better overview, developing more perspectives of how you can see the world to draw from. Think of it like looking at a diamond. Each facet reflects a different angle of the light. None of them are wrong, but only by seeing the whole diamond can you truly appreciate its brilliance.
Why This Happens
When trauma occurs, it often wires the brain for survival. Your nervous system becomes primed to detect threats, and differing perspectives can feel like a challenge to your identity or sense of safety. You may have developed a ‘black-and-white’ way of thinking as a coping mechanism—this is very common. It feels simpler, safer, to see the world in absolutes: right or wrong, safe or unsafe. But life, and people, are more nuanced than that. Expanding your perspective doesn’t mean losing control; it means gaining a deeper understanding and more options for navigating the world.
An example
Consider a disagreement about priorities at work. Imagine you feel strongly that meeting a deadline is the top priority because reliability is a core value for you. But a colleague may argue that quality is more important, even if it delays the deadline slightly. Neither perspective is ‘wrong.’ By stepping back and acknowledging both views, you might discover a solution that balances timeliness and quality—something you couldn’t see if you stayed locked into your own stance.
Or take a personal example. Say you and a close friend have differing views on how a past conflict played out. You might feel hurt by what they did, while they might feel misunderstood or unfairly judged. Both of you have valid feelings, shaped by your individual perspectives. By opening yourself to their viewpoint, you might not only heal the relationship but also gain insights into how you communicate and set boundaries.
Ways to Self-Regulate and Open Up
Pause Before Reacting: When someone offers a differing perspective, notice your initial emotional response. Are you feeling defensive, anxious, or angry? Take a deep breath and remind yourself that their viewpoint isn’t a threat; it’s an opportunity to learn. Be fascinated by what has brought a person to that perspective.
Name the Emotion: Say to yourself, ‘I’m feeling defensive because this challenges something I believe.’ Naming the emotion helps you create distance from it, reducing its intensity.
Ask Questions: Instead of immediately defending your viewpoint, try saying, ‘That’s interesting. Can you tell me more about how you see it?’ Curiosity creates connection, not conflict.
Affirm Your Own Worth: Remind yourself that accepting another perspective doesn’t diminish your value or invalidate your experiences. Both can coexist.
Practice Self-Compassion: If you realise you’ve been wrong or missed something, speak to yourself as you would to a dear friend. Instead of saying, ‘I can’t believe I didn’t see that,’ try, ‘It’s okay to make mistakes; this is how I learn.’
The Bigger Picture
Admitting you're wrong or accepting someone else's idea isn't just about being adaptable—it's about being brave enough to face yourself. It’s saying, ‘I trust myself enough to handle the discomfort of growth.’ It takes courage to challenge the narratives you’ve built to protect yourself, but doing so doesn’t mean tearing down your walls entirely. It means building windows, letting in light, and allowing yourself to see what’s outside. Because when you begin to see what’s inside of you, what’s outside of you becomes visible too… and that’s when healing starts.
Remember, being ‘right’ isn’t about proving others wrong or sticking to your perspective no matter what. The willingness to change your mind, or to accept there are equally valid alternative perspectives, is a gift to yourself because it means you’re open to learning, healing, and finding peace… your experience of life changes. And peace is what we’re ultimately working towards, isn’t it?"