From chasing love and approval to cultivating fulfilling relationships…
To cultivate fulfilling relationships, it's crucial to shift from pursuing someone's love and approval to attracting emotionally available individuals. This change requires recognising the drawbacks of chasing affection and approval and implementing positive strategies that lead to healthier connections:
Some examples to illustrate the various ways emotional unavailability can manifest in relationships:
Inconsistent Communication: An emotionally unavailable partner might go silent or distant for days or even weeks at a time, not responding to attempts to talk/connect. This leaves us feeling uncertain and insecure about the status of the relationship.
Avoidance of Emotional Intimacy: They might steer conversations away from emotions or deeper subjects. When their partner tries to discuss feelings or future plans, they change the subject, make jokes, or give vague responses.
Resistance to Commitment: An emotionally unavailable person may be reluctant to make future plans or commit to the relationship. .
Lack of Empathy or Support: They might seem indifferent to their partner's needs and feelings. For example, if their partner is going through a hard time, they might show little understanding or fail to offer emotional support.
Disinterest in Their Partner's Life: Showing little interest in what their partner does, their goals or their challenges. They don’t ask questions about their partner’s day or life and seem disengaged when their partner shares important details or achievements.
Unwillingness to Share Personal Information: They keep details about their life, past, or feelings close to their chest. This lack of self-disclosure creates a barrier to forming a deeper emotional connection.
Reacting Negatively to Discussions about the Relationship: When faced with feedback or discussions about the relationship, they might become defensive, dismissive, or angry, making it difficult to address issues constructively. You take something to them that you are struggling with, something that’s hurt you, and often end up being the one that apologises… the thing you were struggling with doesn’t get addressed.
Blaming Past Relationships for Current Behaviour: They often cite past hurt or betrayal as reasons for their inability or unwillingness to connect on a deeper emotional level. While this is valid it highlights that they haven’t done the work needed to engage in a healthy relationship when it presents. In their mind we represent past figures and the lack of safety or deep hurt that they then felt in life… something we are not. There is an inability to be ‘all-in’.
Recognising these patterns can be a crucial step in understanding relationship dynamics and moving towards healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Understanding the Drawbacks of Chasing Love and Approval: The pursuit of someone's affection and approval can be addictive… it’s not easy to let go even though we recognise that it’s unfulfilling. Why? As it tends to originate in childhood experiences of emotional neglect it’s something that is at the very core of our emotional, psychological, neurological and physiological development. Because of our needs being unmet in childhood the pursuit now stems from a desire to change someone's perception of us, hoping they will eventually treat us as we deserve. However, this behaviour overlooks a fundamental truth: actions speak louder, or at least with equal volume, than words. Accepting someone for the reality of who they are, rather than who we want them to be, is key to moving forward. Look at the evidence provided rather than the hope we feel! Accepting the reality of a person means that we have to inquire about the reality of ourselves and our needs too… and that’s not always easy.
Consequences of Chasing Affection:
Emotional Turbulence: The highs and lows experienced in relationships with emotionally unavailable individuals often mimic passion but are actually rooted in anxiety and instability.
Neglect of Self-Worth: Constantly seeking approval can erode your self-esteem, as you prioritise another's validation over your own needs and feelings.
Missed Opportunities: By focusing on unattainable connections, you overlook the chance to meet someone who is emotionally present and able to fulfill your needs.
Strategies to Attract Emotionally Available People:
Self-Reflection and Healing: Recognise and work on the wounded parts of yourself that may be drawn to relationships requiring you to "earn" love.
Seeking Stability Over Excitement: Learn to appreciate consistency and compassion in relationships, rather than seeking the addictive highs and lows often associated with emotionally unavailable partners. Consistency and compassion bring ease… being able to be relaxed in a relationship, feeling gratitude.
Valuing Actions Over Words: Prioritise finding a partner whose actions align with their words, indicating honesty and reliability. When a person does what they say they will do, when they are who they say they are over a period of time, then depth of trust is built.
Expressing Your Needs: Be clear about what you need in a relationship and seek partners who are receptive and responsive to these needs.
Benefits of These Strategies:
Healthier Relationships: Attracting emotionally available partners leads to more stable and fulfilling connections.
Enhanced Self-Esteem: By not constantly seeking external validation, you reinforce your self-worth and develop a healthier relationship with yourself.
Emotional Well-being: When you release yourself from the role of fixer and chaser, you start attracting emotionally mature adults who not only take, but give… equally. This means that you too experience being given to. Embracing consistency and emotional availability in relationships means greater emotional stability and satisfaction.
“Chasing other people's approval is a bad way to live. You're outsourcing your self-worth.”
Moving from chasing someone's love and approval to attracting emotionally available partners involves a deep understanding of your self-worth and relationship patterns. It requires acknowledging the addictive nature of turbulent relationships and reorienting your desires towards stability and mutual respect. By respecting yourself and your needs, you naturally attract individuals who mirror this respect and are willing to engage in a balanced, healthy relationship. Remember, the foundation of a fulfilling relationship is built on mutual respect, emotional availability, and the alignment of actions and words.
This is just a few words on a subject that could be a book. Would you like some help in understanding your relationship patterns and to put in place strategies and tools to help cultivate mutually fulfilling relationships, to find and feel ease?
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