People Pleasing (part 3). People pleasing in an abusive speech relationship…
People pleasing can take a particularly harmful turn when it involves accepting or not challenging abusive speech from a partner. This behaviour can stem from a deep-rooted fear; of conflict, loss of the relationship, abandonment or a belief that one deserves such treatment. When a person consistently tolerates abusive speech without objection, it can have several detrimental effects on their well-being and the nature of the relationship.
Eroded Self-Esteem: Continually accepting abusive speech can significantly diminish one's self-esteem and self-worth. The people pleaser might start believing the negative remarks and criticisms, leading to a damaging self-image.
Loss of Personal Identity: Over time, the people pleaser may lose a sense of their own identity, values, and beliefs. Their primary focus becomes appeasing their partner, often at the cost of their own mental and emotional well-being.
Increased Isolation: Victims of verbal abuse often find themselves increasingly isolated. This isolation can be a result of the abusive partner's control tactics or the victim's own reluctance to share their experiences with friends or family due to shame or fear of not being believed.
Normalisation of Abuse: By not challenging abusive speech, the behaviour becomes normalized within the relationship. This normalization can lead to a dangerous escalation of abuse, extending beyond verbal to possibly physical or psychological abuse.
Impaired Ability to Recognise Healthy Relationships: Continual exposure to abusive speech can distort one's perception of what constitutes a healthy relationship. This may lead to a cycle of entering into other abusive relationships, believing such dynamics are normal or unavoidable.
Impact on Mental Health: Living with constant verbal abuse can lead to serious mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The chronic stress and emotional turmoil can also have physical health consequences.
It's crucial for people pleasers in such situations to recognise that this pattern of behavior is harmful and not a demonstration of love or commitment. Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or relationship professionals can be a vital step in breaking the cycle of abuse. You can’t heal if you keep pretending you’re not hurt. Learning to set boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable at first, is essential for one's safety and mental well-being. In cases where the abuse continues or escalates, these boundaries might involve leaving the relationship and seeking a safe environment.
While we understand that most people use abusive speech as a consequence of their own struggles, likely formed through difficulties in their younger years, it’s important to remember that;
‘Hurt people
who hurt people
don’t get a pass
from taking responsibility
for the healing they need to do
towards changing
their behavior.’
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