People Pleasing (Part 2)… people pleasing dynamics in a family
In adult relationships, people pleasing manifests in various ways, often leading to imbalanced dynamics and emotional strain. A people pleaser might consistently prioritise their partner's needs over their own, fearing that asserting their own desires might lead to conflict or rejection. This can result in a lack of genuine communication and understanding in the relationship. The people pleaser may agree to activities, social engagements, or even major life decisions that don't align with their true preferences, merely to keep their partner happy. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment, a loss of individual identity, and an inability to cultivate a truly reciprocal and healthy relationship.
When it comes to parenting, a people-pleasing parent might struggle to enforce boundaries and discipline with their children, for fear of being disliked or causing upset. They may overindulge their children’s demands, shy away from necessary confrontation or do the things for the child that the child should be responsible for doing themselves. This approach can impede the child's ability to learn about limits, responsibility, and the importance of respecting others’ needs, including those of their parent and any siblings.
In a scenario where one parent is a people pleaser and the other is not, the dynamic can become particularly challenging. The non-people-pleasing parent might then try to take on a more dominant, but ultimately secondary role, in trying to get their voice heard, the result of which means the primary nurturers of the family then become adversaries. The children in such a family might learn to exploit the people-pleasing parent's inability to say no, or they may witness an imbalanced relationship model where one parent's needs/wants are consistently prioritised over the other's. This environment can lead to confusion about healthy relationship dynamics and the importance of mutual respect, collaboration and understanding.
Addressing people-pleasing tendencies requires a conscious effort to recognise and value one's own true needs and feelings. These are not often met or satisfied through people pleasing due to the base of it tending to be centred around fear or abandonment… people pleasing is a survival strategy. In a relationship, it involves open communication where both partners feel safe to express their desires and concerns and that they be received with care and consideration… two brains really are better than one. For the people-pleasing parent, it's about finding a balance between nurturing and setting firm, healthy boundaries for their children... which is also nurturing in its purpose. In mixed-dynamic parenting, both parents need to work towards a more balanced approach, where decisions are made collaboratively and both parents' perspectives are equally valued and respected.
In summary, people pleasing in adult relationships often leads to an imbalance and a lack of genuine communication. In parenting, it can manifest as an inability to set boundaries with children, affecting their learning about limits, responsibility and respect. In a family where one parent is a people pleaser and the other is not, this can lead to dominant-submissive dynamics and its eventual built resentment, and potentially confusing messages to children about healthy relationships. Addressing these issues involves recognising one's own needs, fostering open communication, and striving for balanced decision-making in relationships.
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