People Pleasing (part 1)…
This habit of pleasing others tends to come not from a genuine desire to make others happy, but from our own fear of feeling guilty or facing judgment along with a deep rooted need for others to value and accept us. This behaviour, widely known as people pleasing, is fundamentally about neglecting one's own needs and desires to avoid negative perceptions or disappointment from others. It’s to our own cost. There are many signs of people pleasing but, at the end of the day, they all add up to our being overly concerned with keeping other people happy with us... a transaction.
Several misconceptions lie at the heart of people pleasing:
The belief that one must always maintain a favorable public image.
The idea that disappointing others is inherently wrong and reflects poorly on one's character.
The notion that one's own needs, wants and self-care are of lesser importance.
These beliefs are far from the truth and often lead to a cycle of fear-driven actions. Unlike acts of generosity or helpfulness, which are motivated by a desire to support others, people pleasing is rooted in fear… fear of criticism, abandonment or negative judgment if one does not comply. Another important negative motivator can be if we have been taught to live a life of servitude and that the degree to which we sacrifice in order to serve reflects the degree of positive judgement by the one who pressed us into this service (this negative motivator is complex, you’ll recognise it if you’ve been taught this way though).
The importance of self-advocacy in managing our time and energy cannot be overstated. Many find themselves drained and resentful, having over-committed and extended themselves beyond their limits. This not only affects mental and physical health but also strains relationships and keeps one in a constant state of stress.
One of the most effective ways to enhance one's well-being is by learning to say "no" when necessary. Setting boundaries is a critical step in affirming the value of our time and energy, thereby boosting self-worth. It involves a process of self-evaluation, asking questions like:
Does agreeing to this request negatively impact my health or increase my stress?
Am I allowing myself enough time for relaxation or anything else I’d like to do?
Does agreeing to this request mean I am neglecting others that I have a responsibility toward such as my partner or children?
Do I feel ok with this… do I feel good about this?
Contrary to societal expectations, it's not feasible or healthy to do everything that others may ask of us. Saying no is essential, and it is natural to sometimes prioritise oneself. This doesn't make us selfish; it's a necessary part of self-care and personal growth. Saying no can be as simple as saying; ‘I would’ve loved to be able to help you but I need to prioritise myself/other things this weekend’. That’s it, nothing else is needed. We can’t be everything to everybody. If doing this seems just too much of a step then perhaps instigating this rule in your life will help… A rule that says "I never say 'yes' in the room" is a system or opportunity for making better decisions. We can say no in the room but before saying yes we have to go away and reflect on what saying yes will mean for us. In the mean time all we need to say is ‘can I think on that and get back to you, there are things I need to consider’. Another trick that helps boost our worth and prevent shame when saying no, even though we are fully aware that saying no is the best thing for us, is to say in our mind, straight after saying no verbally, the words ‘I matter’. Get in the habit of saying it out loud when alone… say it slowly say it deliberately and be aware of how you feel when you say it. You’ve told yourself too many times that you don’t matter… it’s time to start telling the truth.
Initially, saying no can be daunting, but it gradually leads to a life more aligned with personal growth and fulfilment. Saying no can mean we are prioritising our present and future, which is a different place to where saying yes might come from… the past. Those who truly belong in our lives will respect and understand our decisions and boundaries. The importance of distinguishing between true acts of kindness and fear-driven compliance is crucial… one leads to growth of self while the other leads to loss of self.
“Freeing yourself was one thing,
claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”
Self affirmation: ‘I release the need to people please. I’m lovable as is.’
It's worth reflecting: Are you trapped in the cycle of pleasing others, or are you on the path to asserting your right to say no? Do you understand that you too ‘matter’? Would you like some help in exploring these things?
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