Toxic Compassion, the effect on family dynamics…
Toxic compassion refers to behaviours that appear empathetic or well meaning on the surface but are ultimately harmful to oneself or others. It’s the focus on someone’s short term comfort over their long term welfare.
Toxic compassion a within family can have profound and lasting effects, particularly when it involves the relationship between parents and their children. This well-intentioned but ultimately harmful approach can manifest differently depending on the age of the children.
For Younger Children:
Example: A parent might consistently intervene to prevent a young child from experiencing any form of discomfort, failure, or challenge. For instance, if a child is struggling with a puzzle, the parent always steps in to solve it instead of allowing the child to work through the difficulty. Or it can even be something as simple as tying the child’s shoes when the child can do it themselves, even if slowly… do we step in out of impatience or to save the child the effort. What effect does a parent’s interference in the child’s tying their own shoelaces have on that child… think about it.
Negative Effects: Over time, this can lead to the child developing a lack of resilience, ability development, problem-solving skills and self-confidence. They may become overly dependent on others for assistance and struggle with independence.
For Older Children:
Example: With older children, toxic compassion might involve a parent constantly excusing their behaviour regardless of its appropriateness or consequences. This could include always excusing how an older child speaks, saying they are tired etc. Or a parent may always blame the school for their child's poor grades, rather than addressing potential underlying issues like lack of effort or need for additional support.
The world is a difficult place to be sometimes, especially when first establishing ourselves as adults in it. We will come across difficult situations that may require living with discomfort for a period. This provides us with multiple skills in then addressing any future difficulties. If though, as a parent, we are always stepping in to ease the child’s discomfort then how can they ever develop those skills?
Negative Effects: Such actions can prevent older children from learning self and others awareness, accountability, understanding the consequences of their actions, and developing a sense of personal responsibility. It can also lead to entitlement and a lack of empathy towards others.
Moving Away from Toxic Compassion:
Practical Steps: To move away from toxic compassion, a parent can start by setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries and expectations. They should allow their children to experience natural consequences and learn from them. Encouraging problem-solving, offering support instead of solutions, and fostering open communication are vital steps.
Tip - A good general rule for children, both young and older, is if they can do it themselves, even if that is slowly, then allow them to do it for themselves. This allows them to build an identity that doesn’t involve over dependence on others when things get difficult… as, from time to time, it will. Allow them the dignity of solving problems themselves when possible. You’ve met people with little dignity… they are reactive, impulsive and resentful!
Impact of Disagreement Between Parents:
When one parent practices toxic compassion and the other disagrees, it can lead to inconsistency in parenting, confusion for the child, and potential conflict between the parents. The child might learn to manipulate situations, one parent over the other, or become uncertain about expectations and limits.
Tip - Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
Impact on Family Dynamics:
On the Child: The child might develop a sense of entitlement, lack of resilience, and difficulty managing challenges independently.
On Siblings: Siblings might feel neglected or less valued if the toxic compassion is directed disproportionately towards one child. This can lead to resentment and strained relationships.
On the Non-Toxic Compassionate Parent: This parent might feel undermined, disempowered, frustrated, or compelled to compensate by being overly strict or distant. This results in parents becoming adversaries/opponents rather than a team.
On the Family as a Whole: The family dynamic can become imbalanced, with increased tension, conflict, and a lack of united parenting strategies.
In summary: toxic compassion within a family can create a range of challenges. While the intentions behind it are often rooted in love and a desire to protect, it's crucial for parents to recognise the long-term implications. Toxic compassion doesn’t meet the needs of the future adult in helping them go out into the world and flourish in their own relationships, families and homes… we have kept them, in part, as unskilled and unaware children. By fostering self and others awareness, resilience, accountability, responsibility and independence in their children, parents can provide a more balanced and healthy environment conducive to the growth and well-being of all family members.
Have you been a recipient of toxic compassion and are finding it hard to establish your own identity or self-worth without being overly reliant on others?
Are you someone who has practiced toxic compassion? Would you like some help in addressing the cause of this good intentioned practice and in finding ways of helping you be more long term welfare focused on those you love and care for?
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