Let’s talk about Emotional Monitoring…
Are you always trying to guess what everyone is thinking and feeling?
Are you always advising others on the proper way to do things?
Let’s talk about Emotional Monitoring, a behavioral pattern often rooted in one's early life experiences. This pattern can be closely found in, or linked to, attachment theory, which suggests that our early relationships, particularly with caregivers, significantly influence our emotional and relational development. In childhood, in an effort to create a sense of safety in unpredictable, unstable or emotionally unavailable environments, a child learns to constantly gauge the emotional states of those around them in an underlying unconscious effort to connect but mainly a conscious effort to keep safe because that’s all that’s available. (Tip - Attachment Theory is a good subject to look up, through it we can learn much about why we are the way we are)
Emotional monitoring is a state of heightened vigilance, primarily focused on the emotions, reactions and doings of others, rather than our own. This behavior might seem to originate from a desire to show empathy or help, and sometimes it can be. However, it is typically driven by an underlying fear and anxiety. This underlying state isn’t necessarily seen by the receivers of the monitoring though. They can see it as interfering, a know-it-all and them not accepting us as we are due to the monitors seeming lack of faith and trust in our own abilities.
This hyper-attunement to others' feelings, reactions and doings, while seemingly considerate, can be detrimental. It leads to chronic stress and anxiety, as one becomes overly responsible for others' emotions and reactions… they attempt to manage their own emotions through managing others. This state of constant alertness can prevent individuals, particularly those who might be socialized to be the 'fixers' in relationships, from relaxing in both relationship and social situations. They might feel compelled to manage or alter the moods of those around them, often offering unsolicited advice or trying to 'fix' or ‘help’ situations.
Understanding that emotional monitoring is often a learned behaviour, not a deliberate choice, is crucial. It's a survival mechanism that once served a purpose, but may no longer be beneficial. Recognising this can help in addressing these patterns without self-blame.
A few things to help in moving away from emotional monitoring:
Acknowledge Autonomy: Realize that you are not responsible for managing the emotions of other adults. This responsibility may have been thrust upon you in childhood, but as an adult, you have the freedom, or choice, to step back and allow others to manage their own emotional states.
Cultivate Trust: Trusting others involves giving them emotional space. Continuously checking in or offering unsolicited advice can signal a lack of trust and prevent others from learning or evolving. Allow people the autonomy to navigate their own feelings. People feel safe when they are trusted. Sometimes we focus just on being able to trust another to feel safe in a partnership… but knowing we are trusted is equally as powerful. When you have those two things together then ease often follows, we relax into the relationship. We feel part of a team.
Accept Emotional Diversity: Understand that experiencing a range of emotions is normal. In the past, negative emotions might have led to punishment or withdrawal of affection from our parent, but as an adult, it's essential to accept that people can have bad moods, or do things differently to us, without it posing a threat to your well-being. Remember that you became an emotional monitor through, in childhood, your desire to be accepted and loved for who you are which was not met by one or more of your caregivers… will those you are now emotionally monitoring now experience the thing that hurt you the most?
Breaking the habit of emotional monitoring involves mindfulness and self-compassion. When you catch yourself in a cycle of monitoring, remind yourself, "I am safe. I don't need to control or have an opinion on everything around me." Engaging in yoga or other physical activities can also help disrupt the cycle of anxious thoughts and release the bodily embedded difficulties at the monitorings base. With awareness and effort, it's possible to shift from a role of monitoring to one of healthy emotional engagement.
Furthermore, being on the receiving end of emotional monitoring can feel suffocating and intrusive. You are now doubting your self, feeling disempowered and maybe developing resentment for the monitor. It's important to remember that the monitors behavior is not a reflection of your worth or actions, but rather the monitor's learned coping mechanism... it’s an early developed survival mechanism. Both parties can seek help through therapy or self-help resources to navigate these dynamics healthily.
In conclusion, while emotional monitoring stems from a place of concern, it's essential to understand its roots in early relational dynamics and the need for personal boundaries and self-care.
Are you an Emotional Monitor or have you been emotionally monitored? How did that feel? Would you like help in exploring these feelings and in establishing new ways of thinking, feeling and engaging with others?
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