Reconnecting with your distanced teenager…
Helping your teen connect with you in an increasingly disconnected world
In today's digital world, the relationship between parents and their teenagers is often strained by pressures from both within the family and the world beyond. Social media, school stress, the barrage of online advice on how to live by those who haven’t yet lived, who to follow (kids want someone to follow!) and the general rush of modern life that engulfs both teens and their parents can leave teens feeling isolated and confused and parents feeling at a loss. Despite the many challenges though, it is possible to build a meaningful connection with your teen. This connection can be developed through a simple yet effective daily practice: dedicating just ten minutes a day to being genuinely curious about their world.
The myth of the closed-off teen
A prevailing attitude suggests that teenagers are naturally closed off, uninterested in engaging with their parents. This misconception leads to a sense of helplessness among parents. This belief is far from the truth. While it's true that teens often appear withdrawn, this behaviour is usually a reflection of feeling misunderstood or disconnected, rather than an inherent desire to be isolated. In fact, most teenagers are eager to share their thoughts, experiences, and emotions… if given the right environment to do so.
The key to breaking down these barriers, in my experience, is curiosity and the capacity to ‘be’ with our child... the energy you exude, the welcome. When parents show a genuine interest in their teen’s life, and mostly do so without judgement or the intention to teach, they create a space where their child feels safe to open up. They find rest with us. This is especially important for fathers, who might feel that their teen is unreachable. It only takes ten minutes a day to make a significant difference. By consistently asking questions and listening—truly listening—you invite your teen to share their world with you.
Rebelliousness: A cry for connection
Rebellious behaviour in teenagers is often viewed as a negative phase that needs to be corrected. However, this perspective can be counterproductive. A certain level of rebelliousness is not only normal but also necessary. It is a natural part of identity formation, where teens test boundaries, explore their beliefs, and try to understand where they fit in the world.
However, it’s important to recognise that when rebellion becomes extreme— when it shows as anger, addiction, or risky behaviours—it can be a sign of deeper issues. In my experience, a “rebellious" teen is often an unattached teen. They may feel disconnected from their parents and are searching for a sense of belonging or significance elsewhere. The solution is not to clamp down harder with rules and punishments, but rather to invest in rebuilding that connection.
Tip: Let’s take the example of when we hear the words from them ‘I HATE YOU’… what do we do? The most under utilised parenting strategy is that of doing nothing. When your teen (or anybody) is rude to you, says something nasty, this thing thrown at us sits between us… it’s tangible, felt as though it has form. When we say something back to them like ‘I HATE YOU TOO’ or ‘GO TO YOUR ROOM’ we take all the energy from what they said and we throw it back at them… which leads to a ping pong match as they don’t want that energy back. Instead, If we do nothing, then the words and their energy just sit between us. The teen then has a much higher chance of re-owning what they just said because you are neutral in that moment, you didn’t take the words and hurt from them and then throw something back. There is a power to doing nothing (regulating/suppression of the reflexive emotional response), letting them see the words and their meaning just sit there, observed and felt. It gives them the opportunity to take ownership/responsibility rather than let the hurt sit. The mouth says things quickly, it takes a few seconds to then see the hurt, it has to be seen… and it needs to sit to be seen. It also opens up an opportunity to then be curious about what is going on for them, what’s troubling them so much they feel their only option is lash out. What is it that they need?
The ultimate is to teach our children to be aware of the power of words to hurt, to take responsibility for them and to learn to apologise, to come back together with the one hurt. Utilise the power of doing nothing… it can be a great teacher.
The Power of Ten Minutes
Improving your relationship with your teen doesn’t require grand gestures. It starts with just ten minutes a day. Dedicate this time to sit with your teen, ask them questions and show genuine interest in their answers. The key is to listen without interrupting, without judging, without turning the conversation into a lecture. This approach creates a space where your teen feels valued and understood, rather than scrutinised.
Imagine the cumulative effect of this practice: three weeks of spending ten minutes each day with your teen amounts to three and a half hours of undivided attention. This consistent effort creates attachment, gradually improving the relationship. As your teen begins to feel more connected, you’ll likely notice a shift in their behaviour. They may become more open, less rebellious, and more willing to share their thoughts and experiences with you. They want someone to follow, to bounce things off… and if that person isn’t you then it’ll be someone else, and they may not be healthy for them.
Parents may think their power to parent comes from the fact that they have the responsibility, strength, experience and wisdom to parent. It doesn’t come from that. The power to parent comes from the child’s desire to belong to you, to follow.
Teaching Curiosity and Empathy
By engaging with your teen in this way, you’re not only strengthening your bond with them but also teaching them valuable life skills. When you model curiosity without judgement, you show them how to approach relationships with empathy and understanding. This is a pattern they can carry into adulthood, helping them build healthier, more meaningful connections in their own lives.
In conclusion, the path to helping your teen flourish in an increasingly disconnected world begins with simple, consistent actions. Ten minutes a day is all it takes to start rebuilding the connection that may have been lost. By showing curiosity and genuine interest, you can transform your relationship with your teen, guiding them from a place of rebellion and detachment to one of attachment and mutual respect. This small investment of time can have a big impact, helping your teen get through the complexities of adolescence with a stronger sense of self and a deeper connection to you.
Tip: People say and do things based on their lived experiences, their coping mechanisms, and beliefs about themselves. It’s not personal, it’s reactive. If you want a better relationship with your teen… then help provide them with a lived experience that enables this.
“The worst thing a father can do is to forget he has an indelible impact on his children… the best thing a father can do is to remember this.”
As always, please remember that this is just a glimpse into a subject that’s much bigger than this page. We are here to help should you want to explore further your relationships and ways to improve them.
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