Overcoming Self-Hatred…
Let’s talk about something that many people struggle with: self-hatred. It can be a heavy topic, but it's important. If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and not liked what you saw or felt, that you’re just not good enough, this is for you… a couple of useful steps in helping.
First, some common reasons why people might feel this way:
Negative Childhood Experiences: Experiences of neglect, abandonment, abuse or excessive criticism during child/teen years can deeply affect self-esteem and self-worth.
Unrealistic Standards: Modern society and social media often set high standards for what success, manliness and happiness is. When we compare ourselves to these unrealistic ideals, we are likely to feel inadequate.
Past/Present Mistakes: Dwelling on past mistakes, failures or personality flaws can lead to feelings of shame, self-loathing and isolation, making it difficult to move forward.
Mental Health Issues: Conditions like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem can significantly impact how we view ourselves.
Toxic Relationships: Being in a relationship where you are constantly put down or belittled can erode your self-worth over time.
All of these things effect our ‘self-talk’ which then effects our emotions and body (when we feel self-loathing, our body can feel anger/tightness and when we feel shame our body can feel tired and drained).
Imagine a Friend Named Sam
Let's start with a little thought experiment. Imagine you have a friend named Sam who is similar to you in a lot of ways… similar life experiences, similar struggles, and similar personality traits. They want to move forward, to let go of what holds them. Wouldn’t that be great… to feel understood. We’d feel a bit better straight away, feel more hope about ourselves and life.
Now, think about what Sam would need to be doing to have your consideration, respect and kindness. Not very much, right? Maybe just a small effort each day, a little bit of trying, and you'd likely be feeling proud of Sam for making the effort… you’d probably say as much to him, you’d want him to know.
Extend That Kindness to Yourself
The first step in overcoming self-hatred is to extend that same level of kindness, consideration and patience to yourself. It’s so easy to be hard on ourselves, but if you wouldn't expect perfection from Sam, why expect it from yourself? If you’d be patient with Sam then why wouldn’t you be with yourself… you are aware of how draining and demotivating feeling put down is and the value of patience and encouragement. Care for yourself the same way you would someone you care for. This mindset shift can be a useful tool in changing how you view yourself.
Think about a recent negative experience where you felt you had failed. Do you remember how it felt, what the emotions were? Maybe that you weren’t good enough, stupid, useless or worthless. Now imagine Sam calling you and relaying to you the same experience… what would you say to him, that yes he’s stupid, useless and worthless? No, duh. So what would you say? Would you listen and then offer words of support, understanding and maybe look at the evidence as to why that’s not so, perhaps even thinking how it could be done differently next time if that was asked… you’d work together though wouldn’t you, you would give him your attention.
So next time you have a negative experience where you feel stupid or worthless, take out your phone, imagine you are hearing it from Sam and verbally record on your phone the words of comfort/support that you would offer another who has experienced the same. Maybe you can listen to your efforts at support and then even refine them. It’s a mindset shift, it takes time but you will eventually talk to yourself more as you would someone you care for. Try it.
Small Steps, Big Changes
One of the biggest misconceptions is that we need to make huge, sweeping changes to start feeling better about ourselves. The truth is, small, consistent improvements can make a world of difference. It’s about progress, not perfection. Each step, no matter how small, counts… because lots of big things are built one step at a time. Celebrate the steps!
Other Practical Tips:
Set Realistic Goals: Aim for achievable goals that make you feel good about your progress. Maybe it's exercising for 10 minutes a day or reading a few pages of a book. The small wins build confidence and momentum.
Practice Self-Compassion: When you make a mistake or use poor judgement, treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer to Sam. Instead of beating yourself up, acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, it’s normal, it’s a natural part of what it is to be human. Viewing our mistakes through the eyes of learning (most likely the way we would talk about mistakes with Sam) means we are less likely to make similar mistakes. You will always make mistakes!!
Turn off unrealistic standards: Limit your exposure to social media and other sources of unrealistic expectations. Remind yourself that what you see online is often a highlight reel or a deception in order to get you to view the author a certain way, not reality.
Seek Support: Reach out for support from friends, family, or a counsellor. Sometimes, just talking about your feelings can lessen some of the burden. And in the same way you would be with Sam, choose to be with people who uplift and support you.
Focus on Strengths: Make a list of your strengths, successes, qualities and other things you like about yourself (I was/am successful/good in/at ‘…..’ because I am ‘…..’). Refer to this list when you are feeling down, It can serve as a reminder that you have positives worth celebrating. Something to balance the perceived flaws.
Mindfulness and Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote mindfulness and self-awareness (Self-awareness is a key aspect of emotional intelligence. It enables us to understand our emotions, which is essential for effectively managing them) like meditation or yoga, and make self-care a priority. Whether it’s as simple as spending time in nature, do things that make you feel good, present.
The Power of Trying
Remember, the key is to try. Each day, put in a bit of effort towards being kinder to yourself and making small improvements. Over time, these efforts compound, and you start to see real changes in how you view yourself and your life. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being better than you were yesterday, last week, last month, last year.
Overcoming self-hatred is not an overnight process, but that’s where it starts and it's absolutely possible, with patience and persistence. Treat yourself as you would treat Sam – with kindness, understanding, compassion, forgiveness and encouragement. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small… remember you are building something and keep moving forward.
Don’t wait for motivation, motivation follows action.. action is the win! If you ever need more guidance or just someone to talk to, remember we are here to help. You don’t have to do it alone. Take that first step, and soon you’ll find that loving yourself becomes a little easier each day.
As always, please remember that this is just a glimpse into a subject that’s much bigger than this page. We are here to help should you want to explore further.
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