The Power of Assertiveness…
The Power of Assertiveness in Relationships: How to Express Yourself
One of the things I would often see when helping couples was the important role that assertiveness plays in relationships. Whether you're just dating or have been together for years, assertiveness is a skill that can improve your relationship and help resolve compatibility issues… when it’s done right. Why does it matter and how can we practice it healthily… a few insights:
Why Assertiveness is Important
Assertiveness is the ability to express things such as your needs, values, desires and boundaries clearly and respectfully. It's not about controlling/dominating your partner or getting your way at all costs… it's about ensuring your voice is heard, that it is valued. It’s an exchange, two partners educating each other about themselves. Here’s why it’s essential:
Self-Expression: Assertiveness allows you to share your feelings and thoughts, enabling authenticity and therefore being able to be ‘present’ in your relationship.
Mutual Respect: By being assertive, you respect your own needs and, equally, those of your partner. This helps promote a balanced relationship dynamic rather than one being dominant.
Reduces Anxiety: Knowing you can speak up reduces the feelings of anxiety and helplessness that come from keeping things in, leading to a healthier mental state. A relationship where we feel safe to speak, to ‘be’, is to be valued… it’s empowering.
Stronger Boundaries: Clear boundaries help prevent resentment and misunderstandings, which are common in struggling relationships.
Firstly, and importantly, the following only works if the relationship has two that act in good faith and with love for each other… who are interested in the other’s experience.
How to Be Assertive in a Healthy Way:
Speak for Yourself: A harsh start dooms you to failure, so instead of saying “You're doing this wrong,” focus on your own experience. Use “I”statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when this happens,” is more effective and less accusatory.
Phrases to help:
“I feel/felt [emotion] when [situation].”
”I need [specific need].”
”I prefer [alternative].”
Avoid Defensive Mode: It's natural to receive pushback when you're assertive. Your partner might say, “You're too sensitive,” or “It's not a big deal.” Remember, it's okay for them to have their reaction, they likely feel uncomfortable. Stay calm and composed and don't feel the need to justify your feelings excessively… it’s important that, in time, your feelings are accepted first time.
Strategies:
Pick the right time and take deep breaths to stay calm.
Acknowledge their feelings without backing down from yours: “I understand you see it differently, but this is important to me.”
Stay Calm Under Pressure: Asserting yourself can sometimes escalate tension. Remind yourself of your right to express your needs and stay calm. If the discussion becomes too heated, it's okay to take a break and revisit it later.
Phrases to Help:
“I need a moment to process this.”
”Can we agree to disagree for now.”
“I need some time to reflect on what we've discussed. Can we revisit this later?"
Overcome Guilt: Feeling guilty when being assertive, especially if you're a people pleaser, is common. Recognise that guilt doesn't mean you're wrong, or have done something wrong; it's a sign you're breaking free from old patterns. It's about advocating for yourself, which only we can do initially, not about harming others. Doing this helps teach others how you want to be treated. Also, many who read this may have been taught throughout their life or relationship, "My words won't/don’t matter anyway." This is the pain talking. You've been hurt. Through that hurt we may have learnt to censor our outward expression (as well as our inward expression). Learning to assert your needs and wants is part of becoming whole, reconnection with the part of you that you lost through that pain.
Strategies:
Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself that your feelings, free choice and speech are valid.
Reframe guilt as a positive sign of growth.
Clarify Your Values: Understand what is non-negotiable for you and why. This clarity helps in asserting your needs confidently.
Practice Self-Awareness: Regularly check in with yourself to understand your feelings and needs better. Writing them down and giving them consideration helps.
Choose the Right Time: Find a calm and considered moment to discuss important issues, rather than bringing them up during a heated moment. Get outside in the sun and discuss while on a walk. The conversation will often be processed in a better, more productive way. Moving the body helps us to access a better mindset and the clarity/conviction that a better mindset brings helps minimise any possible guilt.
When Assertiveness is Rejected
Unfortunately, not all partners respond positively to assertiveness. When a partner refuses to respect your boundaries, it can be both challenging and disheartening. Here’s what you can do:
Reiterate Your Boundaries: Clearly restate your needs and boundaries. Consistency is key in communicating your expectations.
You might say:
“I need you to respect my boundary on this matter.”
“It's important to me that we follow through on what we discussed.”
Seek Understanding: Try to understand why your partner is resistant. Have a calm discussion to try uncover any underlying issues. It’s possible some of our boundaries may not be healthy for us, or others. Including our partners thoughts is important as they may see something we don’t.
Questions to Ask:
“Can you help me understand why this boundary is difficult for you?”
“What can we do to address your concerns while respecting my needs?”
Involve a Professional: If repeated attempts to assert your needs are ignored, consider seeking help from a couples therapist. A neutral third party can enable better communication and understanding.
Evaluate the Relationship: When your partner consistently will not acknowledge your opinion and disrespects your boundaries, it can be necessary to reconsider the relationship for several important reasons:
Self-Respect: Persistently allowing someone to ignore your boundaries can erode your self-respect and self-worth. Maintaining a relationship at the expense of your dignity is unhealthy and unsustainable in the long term. It crushes and reduces a person down to not very much.
Emotional Well-Being: Constant boundary violations leads to increased stress, anxiety, and emotional distress. Prioritising your mental health is vital for overall well-being. Fear has no place in a loving relationship.
Healthy Relationship Dynamics: A relationship thrives on mutual respect and understanding. If your partner repeatedly disregards your boundaries, it undermines the foundation of respect and equality, making it difficult to maintain a healthy dynamic.
Personal Growth: Being in a relationship where your needs are consistently ignored can seriously limit your personal growth and development. You deserve a partnership where you can flourish and be your authentic self.
Being assertive is not about being harsh or demanding. It's about being kind yet firm, expressing your needs without trampling on anothers. By practicing assertiveness, you not only improve your relationship but also teach others how to treat you with respect. Remember, your words and needs do matter. If you struggle with your partner being assertive with you then enquire more regarding what your partners needs/values etc are. There is then much less need for them to be assertive, and closeness comes through enquiry… have conversations about the inner world of the other. If assertiveness is needed, start small and be patient with yourself, and others.
As always, please remember that this is just a glimpse into a subject that could easily be a book. Would you like some help in exploring how to understand your needs and ways to better express them, things that can quickly improve a relationship?
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