Thoughts on ending a relationship…
Walking away is difficult.
It's also a sign of self respect.
Navigating the complexities of relationships can be a challenging, especially when it comes to considering walking away;
Our relationships are patterns. Some of us are in patterns of ending things quickly as soon as there's any issue. More of us linger far too long and end up angry at ourselves that we did, that we stayed beyond what was healthy.
The concept of love and our ability to give and receive it is not something merely instinctual but something that is deeply rooted in our early childhood experiences. Our attachment to certain types of individuals often reflects our earliest experiences in which our emotional needs may have been unmet. This creates a tendency to gravitate towards, and become attached to, partners who mirror these formative relationships. (You may find it useful to google ‘attachment styles’ for further reading)
Sometimes, we end up with people who don't understand relationships take work or who disregard the effort needed. They lack the inclination to learn how to mutually meet each other's needs. They're numb, checked out, and covered in emotional armor… but without a want to address these states.
Our instinct then becomes: try harder. We persist, believing that the other person can change, that they can eventually fulfil our needs and comprehend our value/worth. And we continue to push, or to wait.
Sometimes, we make efforts and have the conversation over and over again and nothing changes (or change happens for a little while before being removed again). We then have to make a choice: Can I be in this if nothing at all changes? Can I be the person I know I am, as well as the person I aspire to be, alongside this individual in the long term? How much more of myself am I willing to lose in this.
Disconnection is heartbreaking to experience. Courage then has to be summoned in order to be able to choose yourself. To trust that you deserve someone who is equally invested emotionally in the way that you are. To trust that you don't need to settle just to have someone to sleep next to at night… settling in this way is a disservice to your own worth.
A current, almost romanticised, trend is to say: ‘stay for the children’. Staying in unhealthy or toxic relationships doesn’t help children. It can teach them to accept dysfunction. It can teach them that disrespect is a normal part of relationships. They will then likely enter similar relationships themselves… they know no different, they have learnt what love/relationships looks like from us… we’ve provided the template they will refer to as adults. The dysfunctional cycle continues to the next generation.
Sometimes the most powerful thing a child can witness is a parent walking away. They learn: if I need to, I can choose me too. Few people talk about the damage that comes from growing up with parents who stayed together and couldn’t stand each other… they can’t talk about it as they’ve been taught, through dysfunction, to quieten the voice that pleads for their need to be met.
We don’t talk enough about the act of walking away. Being in a world that glorifies staying means leaving is a courageous act. The unknown is terrifying, but the other side holds opportunities and experiences that only come when we bet on our best and highest self.
Walking away is the granting of permission to seek what’s healthy and leave what is not.
H.A/N.P
Be kind to survivors. Many are learning how to do healthy relationships at a later stage in life, because their earlier life only had room for survival. They've spent much time honing the skills to get by. They're working hard to learn how to let go of the survival instinct and to show up for themselves, and you, without any past examples of what that means or looks like. So as they work, sacrifice and learn, to ensure you and any children don’t experience the hurt they did, let’s cheer them on… they are breaking a generational cycle and they deserve to be loved well.
Need relationship help? Together let’s talk about some easy to adopt ways of improving all aspects of your relationship. Also, If needed, ways to choose yourself and help in finding that lost voice.
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